Many women do not realize they are in an abusive situation until it is too late. One warning sign is when the spouse is telling you that they are the only one that truly loves you. They don't want you to form friendships other than the ones they feel are good. They don't want you talking to people that may help you understand things that are going on. They have a tendency to hide money and to have secrets.
There are many forms of abuse, not just physical... there is emotional and mental abuse also. These last two forms are harder to understand as you are trying to get help with them. The outward apperance does not say abuse unless you are dressing in a fashion that states you are not to be attractive. If you have to constantly get permission to spend money, to go someplace, then you are in an abusive situation.
Do you get "yelled" at for no reason? Do you not understand why somethings you do are considered unnecessary, or told not to do? Usually this is because if others see into your world, it may prove that the abuser is not whom they seem to be. The outward impression that others see of the abuser is important to them. They cannot be successful at controlling you if others can see through what they are doing or have knowledge that you are not a bad person. It is always important to the abuser to make you angry at someone else so that you will see them as the "true" hero in your controlled world.
Here is some information I found on the Internet to help people being abused if they want to seek help. Hopefully it will help someone get prepared if the need arises. Remember it is hard to get away from an abuser. They have a tendency to control most things in your world.
Your safety and that of your children and pets need to be your top concern. Leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous. Abusers are not predictable. Safety planning is complex.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, it is not your fault. The abuser is responsible. The Shelter staff will listen and support your decisions. There are steps you can take to help end the abuse.
Some actions you may want to consider:
Call the police in an emergency or file a report about the violence.
Call our domestic violence hotline to talk, get information or ideas, find a shelter, or make a safety or escape plan.
Have the abuser ordered by the court to stay away from you by getting an Injunction for Protection.
See a doctor for injuries and ask him/her to write down what caused the injuries.
Talk to a friend, family member, neighbor, clergy, or someone else for support; and ask for help.
Keep a journal in words and photographs.
In an emergency:
If you are at home and are being threatened or attacked, stay away from the kitchen (the abuser can find weapons like knives).
Stay away from bathrooms, closets, or small spaces where the abuser can trap you. Get to a room with an outside door or window to escape.
Get to a room with a telephone to call for help. Lock the abuser outside if you can.
Call 911 right away for help.
If possible, run to a friend's or neighbor's house for help. Take the children with you.
If a police officer comes, tell him/her what happened; and get his/her name and badge number.
Take pictures of bruises and injuries.
Prepare an escape bag:
Prepare a bag, box, or suitcase filled with things you will need if you leave. Keep it in a safe place away from home, if possible. The escape bag is a secret from the abuser or anyone who could tell him you are planning to leave. Place "originals" in the bag except for the items you must have with you or things you can't take without the abuser noticing. Avoid using your purse or car.
Identification (driver's license, passports, green cards, work permits)
Birth certificates for yourself and your children
Social Security cards for yourself and your children
Extra car, house, storage, business, or other keys
Checkbook, ATM card
Credit cards, bank books, etc.
Address book and telephone numbers
Food stamps, Medicaid cards, etc.
Car registration
Car, health, and life insurance papers
School and medical records
Divorce, custody, or injunction papers
Proof of income for partner (check stub)
Home calling card (calls can be traced)
Copies of bills you owe with your partner
Change of clothes
Medicine and prescriptions (extra)
Personal hygiene products (tampons, toothbrushes, deodorant, etc.)
Diapers, formula, toys, blankets
Pictures, jewelry, keepsakes
Abuser's personal information (date of birth, Social Security number, work permit information, place of employment, description of vehicle and license number)
Picture of family which includes abuser
Lease or titles of property
Should you decide to leave your relationship:
Leaving can be very dangerous and should be planned carefully. To speak to a counselor who can help you develop a safe plan to leave, call your local hotline at any time.
You may ask an advocate about:
What resources are available to you in our community
Help filing your immigration status
How to file for a free injunction for protection
Understanding the judicial process
Support groups and individual counseling
Relocating
Staying at a free emergency domestic abuse shelter or other safe place
Address confidentiality
Social Security number changes
Victim’s compensation
Protect yourself at home:
Learn where to get help. Memorize emergency phone numbers.
Keep a phone in a room you can lock from the inside. If you can, get a cellular phone that you keep with you at all times. Keep it charged, and know blackout areas where the phone will not work.
If the abuser has moved out, change the locks on your doors, and install locks on your windows.
Plan an escape route out of your home, and teach it to your children.
Think about where you would go if you need to escape.
Ask your neighbors to call the police if they see the abuser at your house. Make a signal for them to call the police, for example, if the phone rings twice, a shade is pulled down, or a certain light is on.
Get an unlisted phone number.
Block caller ID (call your phone company for information).
Use an answering machine to screen your calls.
Take a good self-defense course. Carry a noisemaker or personal alarm.
Protect yourself outside your home:
Change regular travel habits, such as riding with others and using different routes.
Shop and bank in different places, particularly away from the abuser.
Cancel any bank accounts or credit cards you shared. Open new accounts at a different bank in your name only.
Keep your court order and emergency numbers with you at all times.
Keep a cell phone with you and program it to speed dial 911 (or other emergency numbers).
If you have to travel to another state for work or to get away from the abuser, take your Injunction for Protection with you. It is valid everywhere in the United States.
Carry noisemakers and/or pepper spray.
Be safe at work:
Ask someone to screen your calls.
Keep a copy of your court order at work.
Give or show a picture of the abuser to security guards and friends where you work.
Tell your supervisors about the abuse. Ask them to help make it harder for the abuser to find you. Have them consider opportunities for changes within the work structure.
Don't go to lunch alone.
Ask a security guard or co-worker to walk you to your car or bus.
If the abuser contacts you at work, save voice mail and e-mail messages.
Locate a well-lighted parking space close to the door.
For information on the relationship between animal cruelty and domestic violence, including how to protect your pets, please visit The Humane Society of the United States website. This link is provided for informational purposes only, the Shelter is not affiliated with The Humane Society of the United States; linking does not imply endorsement of programs or services by either party.
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